Nailed it

RicePaperRollsI just tried a new Vietnamese Summer Roll recipe. Nailed it.

She’s trying to turn me into a vegetarian

rsz_fish_0001We were pretending a bathrobe cord was a fishing line and the couch was a boat when it became apparent that my daughter and I needed to have a difficult conversation.

“Let’s catch this one and eat it for dinner,” I said pointing to an imaginary tuna.

She burst out laughing. “No, Mum! We’re not catching the type of fish you eat for dinner! We’re catching the type of fish that swim in the sea.”

As I am both a coward and an overprotective, wet molly-coddler, I said nothing. Who wants to tell a three-year-old that humans kill animals, skin them, cut them up and eat them?

A few months later we encountered a whole salmon in a supermarket and I was forced to explain.

I used someone’s iPhone as a coaster

rsz_iphonecoasterThe thing about not wearing your glasses is that you can’t see. But sometimes you don’t know you can’t see. I was at a small get-together and I thought I saw a coaster. It was a lovely coaster. It was covered in bright plum flowers and swirling paisley-esque patterns. I put my glass of red wine on it. My husband shot me a look of disbelief.

“What?” I said.

I noticed that other people appeared to be shooting me questioning glances. “Weirdos”, I thought. I picked up my glass and took another sip of wine. My husband moved the coaster away from me and toward him. “There’s only one coaster and he has to take it,” I thought. “That’d be about right.” I leaned across him and took the coaster back. Then I put my glass of wine on it.

“Stop it!” he whispered urgently.

Another cracker, mother f*****!

rsz_anothercrackerI never thought any kid would beat my kid’s pronunciation faux pas. Who could top “wank you” for “thank you” and “dried cat cock” for “dried apricot”?

Then it happened. My godson put all of my daughter’s efforts to shame with a single request. He wanted “’nother cracker.” He pronounced it “mother fucker.” He really liked crackers. Morning tea time he wanted “mother fucker”. Lunch time he needed “mother fucker.” By afternoon tea time he was getting tired and grounchy and he wanted “Mother fucker! Mother fucker! Mother fucker!”

Real estate language decoder

rsz_realestatespeak I was an optimist. A crazy, delusional optimist. I thought I might be able to buy a house in Auckland’s overheated property market. What a fool! At least I have learnt a few things, like that real estate ads are 60 per cent bull shit and 40 per cent horse shit. Here I translate some common phrases…

Up and coming area.
The neighbours all wear ankle monitoring bracelets.

Good things come in small packages!
You can open the fridge while sitting on the toilet.

Add value!
Cos there’s no way you could decrease it.

Bring your D.I.Y. skills!
Cos you’ll need them if you want running water.